The Good, Bad And Ugly

Newcastle Herald

Thursday September 8, 2005

BEN QUINN

KICK off the Cuban-heeled boots, select your favourite mood music (I would suggest Liberace's Loungin' With Lee or Rodney Rude's I Don't Give a Rat's Arse), organise a stiff drink and recline in the hammock while someone with magic hands massages away the frustrations of another working day. I need you nice and loose for the final instalment in the inaugural Quincy Awards . . .

Geoffrey Toovey Quincy for sookiest whinger

In June, Raiders captain Simon Woolford was voted the NRL's biggest sook ahead of Braith Anasta, Michael Monaghan and Brett Finch in the Rugby League Week annual players' poll.

Although Woolford nicknamed "Germ" for some mysterious reason does froth at the mouth more than most, I reckon he copped the rough end of the beetroot.

The wonder of television gets punters up close and personal for all the dummy spits. Having watched almost every minute of every game this season, I can say with conviction that "Germ" has nothing on Manly captain Monaghan, a serial pest who makes Toovey look like a mute with flawless manners.

Alexander Downer Quincy for season lowlight

When unveiling the Federal Opposition's domestic violence policy in 1995, Downer made an excruciating joke about "the things that batter".

Craig McLachlan's comedic debut on The Footy Show in March was worse.

Henry Ramsay Quincy for season highlight

As above.

Peashooter Quincy for most underrated gun

This blue-ribbon category honours hardened professionals who have excelled for many seasons without attracting much kudos.

After lengthy deliberation I couldn't split knucklehead front-rowers Johnny Skandalis and Peter Cusack.

Skandalis will play his 202nd first-grade game when Wests Tigers tackle the North Queensland Cowboys at Telstra Stadium tomorrow night. The 29-year-old played his first 63 games with the Western Suburbs Magpies (R.I.P) and has racked up 138 for the new-generation Tigs.

Cusack played 95 first-grade games with the Roosters before accepting a daunting challenge with South Sydney this season. The 28-year-old chalked up 24 games and was the Rabbitohs' most consistent performer as they shrugged off the wooden spoon. He has been rewarded with the captaincy for next season.

We hear plenty of gushing prose about Benji Marshall and John Sutton, but never forget that fierce competitors like Skandalis and Cusack are the wind beneath their wings sung, of course, by Colleen Hewitt.

Kim Jong-il Quincy for loosest cannon

A race in three between group 1 firebrands Carl "Spider" Webb, Michael "Barry" Crocker and John "Fingers" Hopoate.

Spider Webb wasn't in the frame until he jumped out of the ground during the Cowboys' clash with Melbourne last Saturday. His sucker punch that dislodged one of Ryan Hoffman's "Barry Beath" would have given the likes of Steve Bowden and Bob Cooper a hot flush.

If I had a block of flats in Mayfield for every time one of the drunks at the pub has questioned Barry Crocker's value to a team, I'd be the Hunter's sleaziest slum lord. Although he gives away too many dumb penalties, the Melbourne-bound enforcer works the house down, has the skills of a top-shelf five-eighth and unnerves the opposition.

Just how big a lunatic is Fingers Hopoate? Well, there were seven hits when I typed the words John Hopoate and Keith Galloway and elbow and anus into this paper's database.

Although Spider weaved his magic late and Barry is consistently grubby, loading from past indiscretions gets Fingers over the line.

Johnny Sattler Quincy for toughest hombre

Bookies stopped taking bets after Luke Quigley, a keen pig shooter who plays footy like a pig dog, battled on with a ruptured testicle for the final 20 minutes of the Knights' 14-10 loss to Canberra on May 1.

It gives me great pleasure to present Quigley with his first Quincy.

Bearded Lady Quincy for finest freak

"Regardless of next Wednesday's result and however temporary the situation may be, the selectors did Andrew Johns and NSW a disservice when they ignored their balls and lost the faith."

That was my criticism when the finest footballer to lace up a boot was initially rated too great a risk for Origin II.

How did Joey end up going, by the way?

© 2005 Newcastle Herald

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